Kitchen With A Bed In It

TIRED of walking from one room to the next? London has you covered! For just £1350 per month you could live in a Kitchen With A Bed In It, also known as a studio apartment. Save literally seconds out of your day, and avoid the awkwardness of wondering – which room am I in? There’s only one room! Crippled with indecision about which of your basic needs to fulfil? Watch those doubts melt away as eating and sleeping merge into one futile drawn out excuse for an existence. And if things get too much, know that you won’t even have to leave the bed to stick your head in the oven. That’s assuming there is an oven. I know what you’re thinking. This has to be a one time offer, I’ll never get a chance like this again. Fear not! London has hundreds of similar opportunities to live in a Kitchen With A Bed In It, and some of them are really pushing the envelope on the meaning of the words “kitchen,” “bed” – and indeed “living!” Take a look at some of the photos below. All of them could be yours for upwards of £1300 per month! I know. Sounds too good to be true. But don’t worry – bills are on top.

Chill.

This is where I rant about the struggle to find a place to live in London post/during pandemic times.

If you are also homeless and scouring Spareroom.com daily in the offchance of scoring a viewing then this may be a place where you can get some catharsis.

Everyone is so chilled out! It’s great to see that while the world is burning, so many young professionals find the time to be so deeply relaxed about everything. It’s odd, because the last I looked, there was an epidemic of anxiety and depression, but apparently not amongst those renting out rooms.

We are chilled, sociable and relaxed. It’s a relaxed house. I wonder what they are doing to achieve such perpetual relaxation. I’m guessing that they don’t watch the news. Or engage in relationships with other people. Or have families. Or jobs.

But of course they have jobs! Everyone is a full time professional! Full time professionals only please! People who go out of the house and don’t come back for a very long time preferred! And don’t forget to reappear relaxed after fighting your way home through a London commute.

We are easy going people. Looking for someone easy going. So that when I say, hey dude – do you mind washing your pubic hair out of the bath after you’ve had a shower, thank you very much good day, he can say – OMG chill babe. This is a chilled out relaxed easy-going house. Pubes are like whatever.

Or maybe I say – isn’t it awful that the police think that the onus is on women to protect themselves from mad rapist serial killers rather than say, the society that creates and enables them – he can say <roll eyes> here she goes again angry woman alert! We are a relaxed house? We don’t get upset about stuff like injustice, inequality, climate change, racism, transphobia – all that rage is a total vibe killer. Let’s be chill.

I can be chill. But as the popular bible passage goes, there’s a time for everything. A time to relax, and a time to get really fucking angry. Like for example every time you accidentally hear Boris Johnson say something. Or when you think about Brexit. Or the fact that the majority of emissions destroying the planet are created by a tiny proportion of its inhabitants. And that the highest concentration of wealth is owned by the tiniest group of individuals. Or that a full time minimum wage does not cover the price of renting a flat in London.

It’s kind of hard to be permanently relaxed when you don’t have a home. It’s kind of hard to be super chill when you are in competition against hundreds of people for the chance to spend £800 a month on a bedroom. To be easy going about one’s own security would be counter to the human survival instinct. But apart from all of that, it’s kind of inhuman to occupy any one emotional state indefinitely. Things happen and we feel stuff. It’s how we know we exist. Human beings are complex and unpredictable. Sharing a house with them is a mixed experience, but unfortunately most cats cannot pay rent.

The Ideal Tenant

Docile Females Wanted For Social Isolation

The ideal tenant is a single non-smoking female. She may well be white, but we are not allowed to discriminate openly about such things nowadays. She may also be heterosexual but we are not allowed to discriminate about such things either, plus she is single so it doesn’t really matter since ideally she will not be having any sex anyway. She will be young, but not too young – late twenties, early thirties, max. The younger ones are generally easier to intimidate than the older ones, but too young and they cannot be trusted. Besides not having a partner she will not have any pets. She will desire the company of no one, human nor animal. She will be very easily pleased by the indoor entertainment system we have installed. She will live mostly on convenience food that can be prepared with minimum mess using the microwave that we have provided in the kitchenette in place of a proper oven. She will be in full time employment, with a boss who can vouch for her good manners and lack of problematic behaviour which would be unwelcome. She will not be self-employed. Self-employment suggests a worryingly anarchic tendency that could lead to rebellion of some kind, which would be unwelcome. She will not work from home. This is because despite paying an arm and a leg to rent the apartment it is much preferred that she spend as little time in it as possible, in order to minimise wear and tear. When she is in it, she will preferably be sleeping, showering, watching television, or eating food that was prepared with minimum mess or delivered by someone on a bike. The shower-room is ensuite. She will be sufficiently impressed by the Frenchness of this word not to notice that in actual fact all it means is that any guests will have to walk through her bedroom to use the toilet. But, ideally she will not have any guests. She will not sing, play musical instruments, DJ or produce music. Musicians are great! We love musicians. We just don’t want one living in our house. We absolutely enjoy consuming their work for free or at a fraction of a penny, however we do not wish to be a part of making their existence possible. We prefer to imagine that artists emerge from the womb fully formed, already able to perform at a high standard without having to spend hours perfecting their discipline. They live on fresh air and creative ideas, and in any case, it is not our problem. We do not seek a woman with ideas that need to be expressed. She will be too busy working, sleeping and showering to have ideas of any kind. She will not be in receipt of benefits to help cover the rent that we know is extortionate and cannot really be justified. Our sympathies go out to those on low incomes whose livelihoods have been destroyed by the pandemic, but we don’t want them living in our house. Similarly we appreciate that artists sometimes struggle to find enough work, and might need to top up their income with Universal Credit. But we don’t want the government’s money. We want the crisp, clean, well-ironed, privately earned cash of a woman who is in full time permanent employment, with no desire to have sex, children, or animals, no family, no music, very clean, surrounded by devices that will keep her occupied, quiet and docile. If this is you, fill in the application form, telling us why you think you deserve to have a roof over your head, and send it back to us along with copies of your bank statements, letters from your employer, photos of your underwear drawer, and a statement signed in your own blood, acknowledging that art is dead.