Renting in London: an Artist’s Guide

Looking for a place to live in the Capital can be daunting and bewildering – especially during a rental crisis. Plenty of apartments but most of them completely off limits to anyone working in the arts. For the remaining properties, agents have become adept at making places animals would go to die sound vaguely habitable to humans. Over time I’ve learned to decipher this language and I’ve produced a glossary of terms to help fellow flat-hunters navigate this confusing world where words mean different things to reality.

Good size – small

Cosy – absolutely tiny

Stunning – small

Spacious – you can walk around the bed

Petite – if you’re in the flat, you’re in bed

Bright – has a window

Airy – has a window that opens

Sunny – a dubious claim anywhere in the UK

Lovely – probably not awful, but small

Well-proportioned – we built a wall down the middle so we could charge more

Beautiful – has been redecorated since 1975

Charming – *hasn’t been redecorated since 1975

Lively area – don’t even think about sleeping

Luxury – expensive

Quirky – nothing works

Well-presented – we cleaned the stains off the walls, but*

Professional – not a self-employed artist

Professional couple – the mind boggles

Above average size – we are having trouble renting this

Studio – not that kind of studio

Part-furnished – there are rodents

No pets – apart from the rodents

Contemporary – it exists now

Impressive – the claim that two taps and a toaster equals a kitchen

Incredible – you won’t believe what we are charging

Spectacular – we really need to get out more

Self-contained – the things in the flat are inside it as opposed to outside

Open plan – you can smell chips in bed

Ensuite – there is a bathroom

All bills included except council tax, gas and electricity – free wifi

No WFH – we’ve been asleep for the last three years

No overnight guests – we’ve been asleep since 1950

Patio garden – a sliver of concrete between you and the road

Private communal garden – private for you… and everybody else

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